Neurodivergent Parenting Two Ways: Recognizing the Realities of Being Neurodivergent and Raising Neurodivergent Kids

Hello, my friends. Welcome back. Today's topic is Neurodivergent Parenting Two Ways. I'll touch on some of the most common experiences and struggles in two areas: parenting as a neurodivergent adult and parenting neurodivergent children, both of which come with unique challenges. Many of us are dealing with both, but let's start with what being neurodivergent adds to the experiences of parenting children. Of course, all neurodivergent people are unique, and parenting is hard for everyone, but there are some difficulties that are reported by neurodivergent parents more often or are reported by neurodivergent parents to be more challenging, and those are the things we'll talk about today.

All of these concepts I'll cover today can create struggles at any stage of parenting — sometimes at all stages of parenting — so I wasn't able to put them in neat, chronological order, but if you have questions or comments about any of these occurring at different stages of your child's life or development, please feel free to comment on this episode and I'll address those in the comments, or in a future episode if there's a lot of information about and interest in a specific topic, age group, or developmental stage.

The first thing I'll cover is the most common struggle for neurodivergent parents of infants, but it can certainly carry over into other phases of a child's life. It is overstimulation and disruption in self-care, which is actually twofold. Overstimulation is a sensory experience brought on by baby's crying, physical contact that can be near-constant when holding a baby, which is especially true for parents who exclusively breastfeed, baby's erratic movements, exposure to baby's bodily fluids, and increased contact with other people because you have a baby, which can mean family members and other visitors, strangers interacting with you when you're in public with a baby, and interactions in baby-specific settings that can include the pediatrician's office, childcare center, or activities you may participate in, like baby swimming classes. Because neurodivergent brains typically process sensory information differently, this can be especially difficult to tolerate while adjusting to a new role and relationship.

On top of that, having a new baby causes a disruption in self-care for most parents, but neurodivergent people in general tend to be more impacted by changes in time we spend with important people in our lives, our sleep, diet and nutrition, exercise or level of physical activity, how much we're outside or in nature, and engagement in any other activity we find regulating, which could be meditating, journaling, reading, taking a bath, watching tv, playing video games, or any number of other things. All of these are typically impacted by caring for an infant, and often during many other phases of a child's life, and disruptions in these areas can really ripple out and make it difficult for neurodivergent parents.

Next up is emotion regulation challenges. An interesting aspect of emotion regulation difficulties in the context of parenting has to do with the process of co-regulation. Beginning in early infancy, people learn to self-regulate through co-regulation — which means, for infants and young children, being in close proximity to someone who is emotionally regulated when the baby is dysregulated. This is primarily a physiological process that involves the parents' expressions of emotion, but also the parents' physiological functioning, such as heart rate, body temperature, and the levels of certain hormones in their bodies. Neurodivergent people tend to have challenges with regulating their own emotions, which includes calming our bodies, so it can be especially difficult to provide those co-regulating interactions for an infant, toddler, or really any age child.

Another side to this is that neurodivergent parents who have developed strategies for regulating themselves can feel guilty about maintaining those strategies, which can include having a "comfort zone" or "safe space" in their home, taking time and space away from others, and engaging in certain activities, as I just mentioned as an aspect of self-care. Neurodivergent people may see these practices as incompatible with parenting and prohibit themselves from carrying them into their lives as parents, but using emotion regulation strategies like these, in ways that don't jeopardize the connection with the child or the child's safety, is actually an important continuation of the co-regulation process because it models self-understanding and self-care in ways that children can take into their own adulthoods.

Neurodivergent parents also commonly face unique challenges related to differences in our neuroprocessing. Two of the most noteworthy differences are monotropism and the neurodivergent 'brains reward system. These are topics in their own right, so I'll just be touching on them today. Monotropism describes the limited attentional resources that all people have being directed toward one source of arousal at a time, which is common and frequent for many neurodivergent people, but is a relatively uncommon experience for most neurotypical people. Monotropism can cause neurodivergent parents to be excessively focused on their child, children, or parent role, or to lose sight of their child, children, or parent role — for moments in time or much longer.

This is, in part, because neurodivergent people's brain chemistry tends to hyper-reward pleasurable activities, which both causes us to repeat actions, including mental actions, and makes it harder for other information or stimuli to capture our attention. As I just mentioned, this can result in a neurodivergent person being excessively focused on their child, children, or role as a parent, which may not be problematic at certain times in a child's life, but can impede a child's development at other times, and it can certainly come at a cost to other aspects of a parent's life.

More often, neurodivergent parents report challenges related to monotropism when they have difficulty directing their limited attention to their child or children. This impacts parenting in two major ways. First, time engaged with the child in activities of their interest is essential to the development of healthy self-worth and self-esteem. This matters at every age, and might be picking up the cup, the baby keeps putting on the floor, handing it back to them, and laughing together. It might be watching Frozen together again or letting your kids show you the characters or worlds they created in Roblox. Or it might be listening to a teenager go on and on about the dating drama in their friend group. Monotropism and the drive to seek high-chemical-reward experiences can make it very difficult for neurodivergent parents to engage in these activities because they're hard to follow, uninteresting, or seem unimportant.

Second, when it comes to shaping children's behavior and teaching them "right from wrong," the most successful parenting strategies involve reinforcing desired behaviors and for any behaviors that are absolutely unacceptable, such as those that are unsafe, clearly establishing and consistently enforcing consequences. Both require noticing and responding to what a child is doing, which can be even more difficult for neurodivergent parents than neurotypical parents because of monotropism and the way our reward systems operate.

The last challenge for neurodivergent parents we'll talk about today has to do with routines. This is, in many ways, an extension or combination of the other concepts I've covered , so I won't go into detail, but as many of you know personally, neurodivergent people are more likely to fall on one end of the extreme or the other when it comes to routines. Meaning that many neurodivergent people strictly adhere to routines while others dislike routines or feel completely unable to maintain them. There may be some parenting situations where this works perfectly, but generally speaking, raising children requires considerable flexibility and also structure and the capacity to do certain things at certain times, often every day, and being on either end of the routine extreme is a common challenge for neurodivergent parents.

Again, all parents are unique and whether a person is neurotypical or neurodivergent, parenting is hard, but neurodivergent parents do tend to have some extra challenges. For that reason, it's critical that neurodivergent parents know, understand, and accept their authentic selves, including their neurodivergence. I believe that's the foundation of happiness for any neurodivergent person, but there are two areas of parenting in which NOT knowing, understanding and accepting our neurodivergence leads to big problems.

The first has to do with the culture of "mom-shaming," which certainly extends to non-mom parents, and it has to do with all the various ways parents compare themselves to other parents, and are compared to other parents — by their own parents, their partners or co-parents, other family and friends, other parents they may not even know, teachers and other people who interact with their kids, and their own kids. And yes, this can include unsolicited "advice" from random social media commenters who act like your kids' meltdown at the grocery store is a personal offense to their curated feed. Of course, neurotypical parents also have to manage how they're impacted by parent-comparison, but neurodivergent parents typically report more fear of their parenting being judged, or distress in response to feeling judged, which makes sense given that neurodivergent people in general are primed to anticipate and often avoid being criticized or corrected, but sensitivity to being judged or shamed is lessened by knowing, understanding, and accepting our neurodivergence, in parenting and other contexts.

The second parenting area in which this really matters is reactivity. What I mean by "reactivity" is when what we think, believe, feel, or do is an automatic reaction to something we've experienced. Reactivity, in that sense, means allowing ourselves to be at the mercy of circumstances. In that way, it's easier — no thought or preparation required! — but it can be very damaging to our relationships with ourselves and other people, and especially our children. The reality is that children are unpredictable, and they're still developing. They can't behave only in ways that make it easy for us to parent them, and they absolutely shouldn't have to. Nearly all parents struggle with keeping this in mind and managing their reactions to their kids — at least occasionally, but that really is an impossible task if you don't put the time and effort into knowing how your brain works and setting up your life in the best way possible for you.

If you're at the very beginning of the neurodivergent parenting journey, what I just said may sound ridiculous, but I promise you it isn't. Think of it this way: If you were just diagnosed with a very rare medical condition that meant you had to avoid a certain chemical that's in most commercial products, or an ingredient that's in almost every prepared food, you'd figure it out. It wouldn't be perfect at first, or maybe ever, but you'd figure out what works for you and you wouldn't accept anything that didn't. You wouldn't risk it, and this is no different.

Now let's switch gears and talk about common experiences and challenges that come with parenting neurodivergent children. I'll preface that by sharing something I heard or read or was told when I was a young mom trying to figure out parenting my complicated young son — long before his or my neurodivergence had been identified. I wish I remembered where I found this so I could give credit, but it was almost 30 years ago and I didn't have any notion that I'd be doing a podcast, or what the hell a podcast would even be. At any rate, it really resonated with me and it helped me, and it was this: "There are two kinds of kids: kids who are hard to raise, and kids who are really hard to raise."

It's basically an acknowledgement of the nature of childhood, but we also have to keep in mind that what makes kids "really hard to raise," whether they're neurodivergent or not, also includes their parent or parents and their environments. Meaning the institutions, circumstances, and other relationships that may hold rigid expectations for children's behavior and success that neurodivergent children have more difficulty meeting, if they do it all.

Of course, neurodivergence is genetic, so neurodivergent children typically have at least one biological parent who is also neurodivergent. It would be great if that made everything easier, but there are so many variables that can make parenting a neurodivergent child as a neurodivergent adult easier or harder. Mainly, neurodivergence itself is so variable. We know no two neurodivergent people are exactly alike, and that's still true for biological parents and children, as well as siblings. So we can potentially end up with two parents who are differently neurodivergent, with any number of biological children who are differently neurodivergent from both parents and their siblings, all operating in a neurotypical world.

The other complicating factor is whether or not neurodivergent parents are diagnosed or otherwise identified. And on top of that, how much they understand their neurodivergence and how much they accept it. In other words, if you're a neurodivergent parent or caregiver and you see your in attention or difficulty with completing routine tasks, for example, as laziness, as a personal flaw, as a character defect, as something you've needed to change about yourself for as long as you can remember, despite years of evidence that your brain just doesn't work that way or you would've been able to change, then you're likely going to view differences in the way your child responds to the world as problems to solve, and that applies whether or not it's a biological child.

In that way, the challenges that come from parenting a neurodivergent child are much less related to whether or not parents are neurodivergent and have more to do with parents' openness to neurodiversity in general, as well as their willingness and ability to adapt to a child's uniqueness and to accept and advocate for their neurodivergent children, so children learn to accept and advocate for themselves.

Before we move on, I'd love for you to take just a moment to think about your own childhood. If you were raised by a parent or parents who were willing and able to adapt to your uniqueness and accepted and advocated for you, what did that mean to you? What does it mean to you now? And if you were raised by a parent or parents who were not willing or not able to adapt to who you are, or who did not accept you as you were, or did not advocate for you, how did that impact you? What might have been different if they had? Whatever you recall, I'm sure it's clear that it mattered. It matters to all neurodivergent kids.

Now I'm going to give a brief overview of some of the most common challenges that come with parenting a neurodivergent child, but I'll tell you right now — if you haven't already figured out where I'm coming from — that the solution to all of the "problems" of neurodivergence, at any age, is understanding and acceptance — not trying to break the code to figure out how to change your child into a different person.

If you are parenting a neurodivergent kid and the usual parenting books make you feel like a failure, the problem isn't you or your child; it's the mismatch between your child and the one-size-fits-all guidance in the books. So with understanding and acceptance in mind, let's go through ten challenge areas that parents of neurodivergent children often face — kind of, but not entirely, in chronological order from birth to young adulthood.

Number one: a child who is difficult to soothe. It's often harder to comfort or even distract a neurodivergent child who is upset, meaning that what other parents and books tell you will work doesn't. In general, it's very stressful for parents when they can't get a baby or toddler to stop crying or can't make things okay for a child. When that's the experience every time, there's a lot of stress on both the parent and the child. This is correlated with increased rates of postpartum depression and can impact attachment.

Number two: sensory processing differences. If a child has sensory seeking behaviors, they will likely do certain things repeatedly, even when told not to, and many parents misunderstand this as defiance or otherwise disordered behavior. If a child has sensory aversions, they may refuse to eat certain things, wear certain things, and do certain things — often long before they can articulate why. This can create significant power struggles between parents and children, and cause resentment in entire families when the neurodivergent child is seen as ruining things for everyone.

And to be clear, this isn't about villainizing anyone. The tension that builds in families when one person's needs reshape everyone's plans is real, and often painful, because it's not strangers judging the child or your parenting; it's people you love, people who are also members of the family, and their experiences are valid. Still, making space for divergent sensory needs is no more indulgent than accommodating a medical need or a severe allergy.

Number three: activity level. What generally comes to mind here is hyperactivity, because even hyperactive adults tend to be less active than hyperactive children. But this category also includes children who have difficulty falling or staying asleep or have less need for sleep overall, as well as children who are perceived to be less active than parents expect — often because they need a lot of downtime, so may not want to do "fun" things on weekends or vacations.

Number four: a child's relationship with routines. Like neurodivergent parents, neurodivergent children are likely to be on the extreme ends of the range of variability when it comes to routines, meaning they're more likely to strictly adhere to routines and have substantial difficulty when routines change, or to be naturally irregular in their sleep, eating, energy, and other patterns, so adhering to routines can be very difficult for them. Because of the cultural expectations for most children, like going to school, and parents' own responsibilities and needs, parenting is much harder if a child can't follow structured schedules and adapt to changes with flexibility.

Number five: social struggles. Even toddlers can fail to meet social expectations, and parents get a lot of feedback about kids who are too shy, too friendly, too aggressive, weird, who don't share, talk too much, talk too little, talk funny, talk back, who have different interests than peers, or no interest in peers at all. These can increase as kids get older and want to make friends but can't, have problems keeping friends, and can experience significant bullying and even violence. Many parents struggle with this because there's little they can do to help at that point.

Number six: problems in school. Something I frequently hear from parents is that they didn't have any serious concerns about their neurodivergent child until they started school. There are so many demands on children in essentially every school setting, and for the most part, those demands are based on strictly neurotypical standards. For that reason, it's the first time many parents are told about their child's behavior problems, learning problems, irresponsibility, defiance, disrespectful behavior, and a host of other issues that are actually due in large part to the inflexibility of our educational system, but are generally presented as problems parents need to solve somehow.

Number seven: communication differences. Beginning with speech delays, articulation and fluency differences, and unusual use of language that can be present in early childhood, neurodivergent children are also more likely to communicate differently later in childhood. This can include differences in social communication, which has to do with adapting the way they communicate to the situation they're in, and differences in functional communication, which is about being able to communicate to meet a goal, like asking a question so they get the information they need, or being able to communicate how they're feeling or what they're experiencing when asked. It can be much more difficult to parent someone who can't communicate clearly with you, and help them navigate the generally unaccommodating world, with communication differences or challenges.

Number eight: increased incidence of depression, anxiety, and suicidality. What we're learning more and more about the co-occurrence of neurodivergence and other mental health disorders is that most of that distress comes from being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. I talk about that a lot so I won't go into it again, but it's a fact that neurodivergent youth are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and suicidality. It's also a fact that LGBTQIA+ youth are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and suicidality, and the percentage of people whose sexual orientation is gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, polyamorous, queer, or otherwise not heterosexual, and whose gender identity and/or gender expression is transgender, non-binary, fluid, two-spirit, agender, or otherwise not-cisgender, is higher in neurodivergent people than in the general population. Like neurodivergence, the distress experienced by LGBTQIA+ people is almost entirely attributable to repeated experiences of rejection, judgment, and criticism. Parents can and should be a safe, supportive, accepting, and affirming presence in their children's lives, but no parent can guarantee that their neurodivergent child is spared any of the many types of discrimination, and it's very difficult to parent children who are in excruciating emotional pain.

Number nine: balancing needs of neurotypical siblings. This could apply to other neurodivergent children whose support needs will vary during different phrases of their lives, but there's increasing evidence about the impact of having siblings with high support needs on children with average support needs. They are sometimes called "glass children," because parents look through their needs, even if parents don't know that term. They're usually aware that their attention and energy are unevenly distributed, but they're often neglecting other aspects of their lives as well, and don't know where the time their neurotypical child needs could possibly come from.

And number ten: failure to launch. The last area for today has to do with neurodivergent adult children having even more difficulty achieving independence than neurotypical adult children. There are many reasons that all young adult children are getting out on their own later than the previous generation or two, but parents of neurodivergent adult children often feel a lot of panic, despair, or frustration based on fear that it's not that their neurodivergent child hasn't achieved independence yet, but that he or she CAN NOT. In many cases, it's not about inability; it's about incompatibility. Rigid definitions of independence and success don't fit all young adults, and especially not all neurodivergent young adults who, after high school, are often less eager to get started with their adult lives than they are desperate for a break from pressure. When expectations don't fit, it makes no sense to measure success or failure against them, so don't do that — to yourself or your child.

What runs through all ten of these challenges, and is probably the hardest thing about parenting neurodivergent kids, is that we love them more than anything, but still struggle to give them what they need to thrive in an inflexible world. It means that when we want the absolute best for them, and are doing our absolute best as parents, we can still feel like we're failing against neurotypical systems and standards. If that's where you are, I want you to remember this: The world may never really understand how your brain works, or how your child's brain works, but you can, and with your help, they can. Nothing matters more.

Parenting is complicated. It's messy. Many decisions feel right and wrong at the same time, and they may be, but the more we know, and are, our authentic selves, the better we can care for ourselves and our children, which teaches them how to care for themselves and others. Until next time, remember: You don't have to change yourself to deserve happiness or success. Being who you are isn't the problem; it's the solution. I'm rooting for you — exactly as you are. I'll see you soon.